Archive for August, 2012


Dear Bro. and Co.,

Kosmos, the puppy we kept out of Halo’s litter, is almost six months old now.  As he has grown and matured, a few things have become evident:

  • He has an abnormally large mouth.  So, I have dubbed him Gator Dog!!
  • He is as goofy as a gourd.  That combined with his giraffe-like tongue have led me to believe that I have indeed found his biological father.

Odie, the delinquent daddy……..who knew?  Maybe he DOES deserve to be kicked!

  • He has started getting “excited” at a very early age which leads to Kiara scrambling away from her puppy screaming:

…..Speaking of Kiara and the dogs:  I let Halo sleep in Kiara’s room one night (normally she sleeps under Mathias’ bed).  Noting Halo’s usual sleeping habit, I guess Kiara wanted to oblige and make her as “comfortable” as possible.  The problem is – where Mathias’ bed sits high and is open underneath; the girls’ bed is a daybed with a trundle and drawers that hold some of their clothes.  So……as I passed by their room later that night, I heard some strange noises.  I figured Halo was restless and wanted to move to her regular spot.  I opened the door and called for her.  The only thing that emerged from the darkness was a muffled whimpering sound.  I thought Kiara must have tethered her to the bed with a leash; that’s what she does with her stuffed animals.  I sighed and trudged into the room searching for the light string.  I pulled the string and looked around……no Halo!!!  What had she done with that poor dog?? What had she done TO that poor dog??  I could hear her scuffling about, trying to escape…but from where?  Kiara was sound asleep, and no parent wants to wake a sleeping child unless they absolutely have to.  I checked the closet…..no dog!!!  Hesitantly, I moved to open the trundle.  (Halo is just as big in size, heavier in weight, and I would have guessed stronger than Kiara – I just couldn’t imagine how or why she would have put the dog in there.)  Obviously, my imagination is not as great as Kiara’s; and apparently – as far as who was stronger….I guessed wrong.

As I slowly pulled back the trundle my jaw dropped open…there stood poor Halo.  The animal that usually greeted me with a crooked toothy smile and a wagging tail merely stood there with a head and tail tucked, shaking, and…. shedding fur at a rapid rate all over the girls laundry.

Halo didn’t wait around to greet me or thank me for rescuing her.  She leaped out and like a flash, disappeared around the corner bolting for the safety of her usual nest – the haven under Mathias’ bed.  The experience must have been pretty traumatic; the next morning when I saw her, she looked like this:

Even more of a shock was when Kiara came triumphantly bounding from her room exclaiming jubilantly……

…..Speaking of “hairy” situations – recently I went to clean the ceiling and the fan in the kitchen.  Apparently, having a small, poorly ventilated kitchen causes grease and water vapors to intermingle with the dirt and dust in the air – effectively creating a mutant dust bunny of some sort.

Being vulnerable up on the ladder, I had to react fast.  This called for drastic measures!  I reached into my pocket and pulled out a ball of lint.  The beast immediately turned its attention from me to Linty:

And with that I put Linty back in my pocket and turned up the radio that was playing Hall and Oates:

…..Speaking of eating; among his growing list of nicknames, Mathias is now known as: the Buzzard.  Seldom do we make it through a meal without this happening…..

With Kosmos being delegated to th role of Full-Time outside dog, we are presented with some challenges:

  1. He tears the towels down off the clothesline.
  2. We let him in twice a day to eat and drink.  He has a water bowl outside, but he hides it and chews on it half the time.  The problem is he wants in 24/7, whenever the door opens he is there like a dragon in the moat making it nigh impossible to get in or out without an epic battle:                  This of course, puts us in somewhat of an adversarial relationship – which feeds into our other problem.
  3. Digging holes in the yard.  I have tried peppering the yard with tabasco and cayenne pepper….he eats it.  I was told to “mark” the trouble spots with my own “scent”.  I looked for something to use, and found a tub with some nuts in it.  I thought, “Great!!  The “pee-nuts” will hold the scent longer and detract him even more”.  As I went about dosing the holes, I heard a strange sound noise.  When I looked back, I saw him in all of his idiotic doggie glory eating all the pee-nuts!!!!  Aaargh!!!!  Among the other hazards that are presented, it makes mowing a bit more challenging.  I am determined, though to win this war by any means necessary.

Mother’s Day

     A few years back, a close friend of mine, Michael Ayers, told me what he liked to do for his mother on Mother’s Day. (To me, Mike emanated sophistication and cool in a “redneck-Renaissance-Hippie kinda way.  The only reason I say redneck is because, “You might be a redneck if you have some gnarled up front teeth that you don’t think need fixin’!”  Mike was just too cool to worry about such “frivolous” things; besides, his steady consumption of coffee and cigarettes would have quickly corrupted any dental repairs.)  …Ultimately, he explained to me how the white rose stood for purity and how he would give his mother a single white rose.  I believe the words he used were simple and elegant.  Whatever his explanation was, you can be sure that it was cool and sophisticated.

     As I explained to Mathias, “You wait till the last-minute to pick up flowers so that they are as fresh and beautiful as can be when you give them to their intended recipient.  Of course, unless you preorder, you run the risk of them being sold out.”  ….Such was my luck this year.  As I explained to mom what had happened, the following transpired:

     I’m sure at some point in time Mom will read this, so I will add a couple of notes:

  • Other than not having a “nice” flower to give her, I found the incident quite humorous.
  • Michael Ayres’ mother was alive back when I knew him.
  • To quote “the Waterboy”, “I love my momma very much! I just thought you should know that.”
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ThunderChicken

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