Dear Bro & Co,

As you know by now, we got a dog. This being our second venture into canine chaos; this time around I laid down some stipulations to guarantee a successful union:

1.  NO PUPPIES!!! With three kids in the fold, we don’t have extra time to spend on training\babying puppies.

2.  NO SUEDO-DOGS! I wanted a decent sized hearty beast that could be an outside pet if need be.

3.  It must be potty-trained. No messes in the house.

4.  I wanted a male dog. Mathias and I are outnumbered – we need an equalizer.

It didn’t take long…… Amanda excitedly sent me a message. It was a dog that met all the essential criteria except one….She was a female. She looked like a little doggy angel…And we were smitten. We named our little angel HALO.

HALO PRYNNE; GOD JOKES ME……AGAIN!

We were told that she was 8 months old; still relatively young, but old enough-she was house broken. She was a rescue dog and terribly thin. In our excitement and rush to get her home, we had neglected to check her “undercarriage”.  Upon further inspection we found that her little belly looked a little swollen and her nipples too.  …….Our friends Tim and Retha said that it was common for malnourished dogs and that the swelling would dissipate as she got more food in her.  “WHEW!!!… Thank God!”, we thought. Two weeks later, I looked at my dog and saw this:

…..So much for simply having a dog. As the old song goes – nothing’s easy. It was almost like when we found out we were gonna have KeiLynn……very unexpected. I held my head in my hands trying to wrap my brain around it all. It took a couple of days, but I reconciled myself to the situation and decided to make the best of it.   ……….”It will be a good learning experience!”, I kept telling myself.  Besides, it was too late to go back now, Halo had bonded with the family.

So, not long after recovering from this startling revelation ……. IT HAPPENED!!! She started shooting puppies out like gum balls out of a vending machine! I looked to the Heaven’s for help and I swear all I could see was this:

Ten Puppies!!! Ten!!! ……Really, Lord, was that necessary? What am I gonna do with ten puppies?!!!  The noise! ……The stink! …..The mess!

I held my head in my hands for a while, trying to keep it from exploding; and trying to wrap my brain around the wherefore and the why. God reminded me that sometimes His plans for our lives are bigger than our own. Then He said, “Relax. It will be a good learning experience for the kids. And, remember – nothing’s easy; except my yoke.”  Reluctantly …….hesitantly, I laid my burden down.  ………….”Good one, Father, good one.” =)

………Speaking of dogs, I recently read a poll that said Dog the Bounty Hunter is one of the most disliked T.V. shows among liberals. …..Makes me like him even more. Go Dog, go!!!! =)

GRRRR – ATTITUDE

                    Seemingly, at least once a day, I would see Amanda wince up and give thanks for not being a feminine canine. The kids weren’t the only ones to learn a thing or two about dogs.

  1. A female can be insemenated by more than one male at a time. Hence, the 10 puppies could have had 2 or more fathers.
  2. A good momma-dog cuts/eats all the umbilical cords, cleans the gooey pups, and eats all the afterbirth. ……To Amanda’s shock and horror, Halo is a good momma-dog.
  3. Even though we switch out the newspaper and pee pads everyday; most of the cleaning of the kennel comes from Halo’s tongue.

Mathias, being 11 and ever the opportunist, when called on to clean up little puppy poos is always glad and willing to give nature a chance to run its course. ………..Yep, I’m thankful I am not a dog too.

THE FIENDISH PLOPS OF SOME DOG POO

           I believe the lady’s exact words were, “Almost completely housebroken.” We have had Halo about 8 weeks now and she has had 4 “accidents.” The first one I kinda gave her a pass on: it was early in the morning and I stumbled into the bathroom to take care of the “daily constitutional.” Evidently I didn’t shut the door good and Halo followed me in. She saw me “taking care of business”; she gave me a hard look, cocked her head to the side and then slinked out the door. I had a feeling ……. and sure enough —– KRUD! I’m guessing she thought, “If he can go in the house, so can I.”  We had a couple of minor mishaps after that. We disciplined and trained her.  We were doing real good for two weeks or better and then….. IT happened:

DOMICILUS ABOMINUS via DOGGIECRAPICUS

              We still scratch our heads trying to figure out what could have “possessed” her to commit such a heinous offense. How our little angel could do such a devilish deed …….it was unfathomable!  Up till then she had never even tried to get on our bed. All of which makes me wonder:

  1. How dirty were those sheets?
  2. Could it have been my Mother-in-Law’s fault?  —She made KeiLynn an Easter dress…..it got pooed on. She made us a comforter…..it got pooed on.

Needless to say, Halo was demoted to an outside dog for the next three days. I am praying that she learned her lesson once and for all. I don”t think that she or our comforter would survive another one.

So; part of what the kids are learning about dogs is the responsibility of ownership; which, of course, includes Doggie Bomb Patrol. Thus far they have risen to the challenge. Mathias, being the more squeamish of the two, usually elects to hold the bag while Kiara merrily scoops the poops. Looking out the window we get to see the sibling symphony unfold in its natural order. 🙂

For being such a skinny dog, Halo produces a lot of poo –not just in size, but in frequency as well.  So, when the kids missed a scoop day they found it had dire consequences the following day. After scooping all those piles there was a toxic fog engulfing the whole yard.

Thus far the kids have done a remarkable job taking care of Halo and the pups. I am really proud of them.  Initially, I told them not to get attached to the puppies, “they are all going away, as soon as possible!”

Funny thing; one of the things we have learned is that when you hold a puppy, the body releases the same hormones as when a parent holds a newborn baby.  Therefore, I blame God for us becoming attached.  Obviously, we couldn’t keep them all.  So by way of vote and lottery – one puppy has been chosen to be a canine companion to Halo.  Ultimately, the one we named Kosmos won.  So as you read this and think to yourself that I have lost my mind, I will ask you kindly to hold your head in your hands, try to wrap your brain around it all – and among the many thoughts that may race through….hopefully you will hear these two things:

1.  It will be a good learning experience for the kids.

2. Down, just below….in your basement – you have a ZOO!!!!

Having had 10 puppies as she did, Halo had to produce lots of milk.  The poor thing; there for a while, she looked like a Dolly Parton dog.

     I have a beautiful wife, three amazing kids, two cool canines and it’s all God’s fault.  He truly is an awesome God and I thank Him and praise Him for it every day!!!

Love and God bless,

Uncle Buck “Wango” Lamb & the Tango Tribe