**All opinions expressed within are the authors own and are not meant to reflect on any person or organization.

Dear Bro. and Co.,

     The other day, I accidentally (of course I didn’t purposely) ran my cell phone through the washing machine.  Needless to say, my phone is now on the fritz.  Among other things, it automatically calls our friends, the Erwins, everytime I flip it open.  I told them that they must be the cleanest people we know.  Ha!!  All of which got me to thinking about life before cell phones.

     It used to be that making a phone call was a big deal.  First, you had to plan the timing of the call (because of all the preparations).  Second, you had to have all essential materials accessible and preferably organized to save time.  With the exception of our mother, you had to empty your bladder before the phone call.  Next, you had to have a snack and drink ready and available – if it’s a long call, you might get hungry or thirsty.  Essentially, it was a lot of work.  Women liked it because: a) they like to talk b) they like foreplay.  That’s right, I said it, “phone calls are comparable to sex.”  That’s why us guys used to hate talking on the phone.  You used to have to wait and save up things to talk about to make the “foreplay” count.  Image

     Nowadays, with cell phones, us guys don’t mind phone calls as much.  If we want to cut-to-the-chase and make it a “quickie”.  No big deal.  Even women like it cause they still like to talk.  Another reason us guys like cell phones is the mobility issue, we can change positions whenever we want.  And the last cell phone/sex analogy reasoning is:  we don’t have to remember.  That’s right, when it comes to sex, us guys are happy being dumb horny animals; cell phones have numbers, pictures, info all stored inside, that way we don’t have to remember anything and thinking is kept to a minimum.

     Of course I do realize that after reading this portion of the letter, that any phone calls from me in the near future may be regarded as a little awkward.  Sorry about that.Image

     The last few months, ever since Amanda’s grandma got out of the nursing home, Troy and Janie have started bringing us some “generic” t.v. dinners.  Being on the downside of poor, I have actually eaten some of them.  Some of them actually taste good, some don’t.  None of them have what I would call “realistic” texture, especially the chicken.  It’s a little rubbery.  ImageSome of them I haven’t been brave/desperate enough to try such as:  corned beef hash, frankfurter and beans, and pork loin surprise.  They say that the deal-a-meal place brings more than Grams can eat.  I think she may refuse to eat some of them.

     All of these funky foods got me to thinking about the summer we stayed with Aunt Suzy on her farm.  Our food choices consisted of peanut butter and some strange substance called potted meat. 

     This got me to thinking…..(granted all of us are fallible and would make lousy gods.  That’s why there is only one who is Holy, all-powerful, and Almighty.)……but my twisted little brain dreamed up a little skit I like to call, “What if Aunt Suzy  was God?”Image

     Indeed, we love Aunt Suzy, but thank you God that she is not God.  Image

     As you all know, men and women have different ways of thinking.  As we get older, I think those differences are increased and reinforced whether it be due to hormonal and/or societal influences.  This was re-emphasized to me just the other day.Image

     My theory is that girl brains are the pink healthy ones that have a steel trap that catches all the good and useful information.  Us men have brains that start that way, but over time atrophy and turn into gray matter.  The reason?  We have a filter that keeps most of the good stuff out.  In essence we become dumb horny animals.  That’s why when us guys hear that USC is going against Oregon State, we immediately begin to laugh.

     Getting back to the other day, Amanda and I were watching the Eagles vs. Steelers game and out of the blue, she says, “Why did they make that Eagle look so mean?”  She immediately answered her own question because she is smart and understands the nature of competitive sports.  The point is, she didn’t like the harsh visual effect of the “scowling” Eagle.  Thank God for my wife. Thank God for women.  At the same time, pray a woman never takes over the Carolina Panther franchise, otherwise we might see this:Image

     Here recently we at TSA have begun what is being called “Checkpoint Evolution.”  We have new blue uniforms with metal badges instead of a patch.  “Badges? We don’t need no stinkin’ badges!”  Blue lights, ergonomically designed benches, mood music, etc…  All of which is supposed to put passngers at ease as well as make us appear more professional and authoritative.

     Included in this letter is a skit with my idea of checkpoint evolution.  Enjoy.Image

Love and God bless,

  Uncle “Buck” Wango Lamb and the Tango TribeImage