Archive for December, 2011


      Dear Bro. & Co.,        

     First off , a heart-felt thanks to you and Dave for driving all this way and taking the time and energy to help me with the house remodeling. The house looks great and no one lost any digits – much to be thankful for.

     The city of Arlington recycling  center wanted me to thank you as well. I used to think that “99 bottles of beer” was just an annoying song – last week kinda gave it new meaning. Cool.

     As you know,  you were not our only visitors. Good ol’ Dad braved the winds of adversity :

and his own apparent ice thin insecurities :

to make it here. How did he overcome such seemingly insurmountable obstacles you ask………………..

     …………Apparently those super hero underpants that he likes to wear as his actual shorts actually make him feel like Superman.

     I guess no one has worked up the nerve to tell him how unnerving it is for him to parade around with a big super ‘S’ on his crotch.

     ……. Speaking of  being unnerved, no one knows how to get Mathias worked up and bent out of shape quite like Kiara. She recently learned the expression about girls being sugar and spice and everything nice, and boys being made of snails and puppy dog tails. Of course Mathias took such a suggestion very seriously and as soon as Kiara (made of everything nice) saw the open wound she did not hesitate – she went for the kill!

     Mathias, being the intellectual sort, decided to go to a higher authority to do some research…….

     He even cross referenced by looking in Kiara’s princess Bible just to make sure dust wasn’t translated as “snails and dog tails” in a girl’s Bible.

     ……….Speaking of Kiara, that monster moth that you caught her turned out to be a Walnut Sphinx Moth. Perhaps appropriately named as it looks like a creature that could be living in a mummy”s tomb.

     Having two daughters of my own, I could appreciate Dave’s techniques for intimidating those pursuing one’s “little girl.” I even took notes:

               1. Display arsenal of weapons.

                2. Skin and clean animals.

                3. Wipe out entire lineage.

                4. “Don’t mind going back to prison!” 

     Good stuff! But where I was inspired, Dad apparently was terrified. Later that evening he pulled Amanda and me aside and asked, “How much do we know about this David fella? I found his comments at the dinner table to be quite disturbing.” —–Amanda and I laughed, ” Granted; they are not empty threats, however, they are exaggerated a bit to scare the crap out of horny teenage boys and goofy old men.”

                              Dad: “Did he or did he not say that he had been to prison?”

                              Us: “No, Dad. You can’t be in the Air Force if you’ve got a record.”

    He was in  rare form, and Amanda caught the brunt of it. First was the headwipe incident. Dad insisted that she smell it; and then IT happened……….he began moaning and grunting while rubbing that blasted wipe on his head.

     Amanda said it was the single most creepy and hilarious moment of her life. We figure Dad must have gotten more action from that head wipe than he had gotten from Mom in the last 20 years!

     Dad kept insisting that he was going to mow my lawn. The whole reason he brought me his mower is because he supposedly can’t cut his own grass anymore. Why would I let him cut mine? Of course I refused. Two days later I asked him if he wanted to go play frisbee with the kids…….. his response, “I can’t go out in the sun.” So apparently, the same guy who wanted to cut the grass at high noon can’t go out at dusk to throw a frisbee with his grandkids because of the sun. Hmmmmmm…….sometimes all you can do is laugh. 🙂

     Dad kept bugging me and Amanda about airing up the tires on our van. In fact, on his second outing with Amanda he insisted that she pull into a gas station. She told him that she didn’t have any cash and he said it was so important that he would pay. When they pulled up to the air machine it read: 75 cents. Dad exclaimed, “That’s outrageous!!! I’m not paying 75 cents for air. Drive on!!!”  ——Wha?!!!!

     I don’t know if its Mom or the Sleep Gremlin but somebody is finally cracking the poor guy’s egg. He has always been eccentric, now he is downright kooky. Don’t get me wrong, I love him. I even think he is cool; he is just cool in a very kooky kind of way.

     Since your departure I have spent roughly 7 hours mudding – most of which has been on a ladder. Needless to say,  I’ve just about had my fill of mudding and sanding dry wall; however, it does bring back a sense of nostalgia : to a time when I was a young artisan trying to leave my mark on the world – or at least the living room wall. Not quite two , I was dabbling with mud of a different kind and my name and fame were spreading rapidly – I was known as : Poo-caso. Most of my work was abstract therefore my genius was not appreciated nor understood. Some of my critics went so far as to say my work stunk really bad. What do they know?

     Love, and God Bless,

     Uncle Buck “Wango”Lamb and the Tango Tribe

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