Dear Bro. & Co.,
As you know, we don’t celebrate Halloween, but I did get this bright idea to create “Monster Mash Potatoes” here awhile back; that said, some of the ghoulish gag wear did come in handy. So in the spirit of having fun and messing with my kids, I created this:
Just so ya know, it takes a sizable clump of potatoes to be able to hold those folding teeth in place. My first attempt, the teeth kept expanding till reaching the full open position effectively looking like the smallest, dinkiest cheap neon plastic bear trap in a dirty snowball. (I guess it’d be good for catching gummy bears or little red cinnamon bears – I love those!!) 🙂 The eyes?? – Apple Jacks set over smothering of root beer flavored ice cream syrup. You should have seen the kids faces.
Of course, the best part came when Mathias eagerly stuffed a big ol’ bite of the Monster Mash Potatoes in his yap. The poor kid must have the most sensitive gag reflex on the planet. Thankfully he made it to the bathroom to spit it out – with my blessing of course. I can’t have anyone hwarfing on my purple carpet ya know.
…..speaking of monsters, I’ve been fighting off a monster sinus infection this last week. One thing I do is drink lots of liquids to purge my systems…. and it works. Of course, this means several trips to “the facilities” during the course of the day…. and the night.
I’ve developed some habits the last few years:
- I sit down at night to keep things clean – aim and coordination aren’t always best when dazed and sleepy.
- Living in a small house with a small bathroom, I tend to lean forward and rest my arm and head on the sink – this is good when either tired or doubled over in pain (or as Amanda might put it, “My stomach hates my guts!!”)
…..so where is all this leading? Strangely and sadly, I fell asleep on the toilet. Not for a second, or a minute; not a doze or a nap – I’m talking out cold, dreaming asleep. How do I know I was there a long time? A couple of clues: 1. A dream where I was driving an old truck with an uncomfortable seat and a flat tire. 2. I remembered glancing at the clock on the way to the bathroom (0700 AM), it was 0741 AM by the time I made it back.
There are some definite drawbacks to sleeping on the toilet – I can’t honestly recommend it. First, it’s not near as comfortable as the bed and apparently it doesn’t enhance or improve your dreams any; in fact, quite the opposite – I hate flat tires. It gets worse; much worse…..
After I had fallen asleep, apparently my behind, my legs, and the arm I was resting on decided to follow suit. I couldn’t move! I couldn’t have yelled or knocked loud enough to wake Amanda without waking the kids as well. Not to mention, I wasn’t too sure I wanted Amanda, my beautiful Bride to see me in the state/position. Have mercy!! What to do?? I decided to get my dead arm awakened – then I would use my arms to pull up on the sink to lift myself off my dunce seat. I found out another drawback to falling asleep on the commode. Apparently, I had sat there long enough to have effectively suctioned and sealed myself to the seat. I was still stuck. I can only imagine ripping your back side off the commode is like getting a very sensitive wax job. What I know for sure is that you’ll make a face like this:
in the mirror. Thankfully I didn’t plunge the toilet or myself in the process.
…..speaking of “getting up offa that thing”. I was delighted to learn at our last visit that Hannah has the same passion and fervor for dance that I do. I’ve never been very good, mind you, but I enjoy the thrill that comes with cutting a rug – hopefully Kiara and I didn’t warp your downstairs ceiling too bad. My style of dance is derived from heirtage, lineage, and a love for funk fusion frop and bebop; which means that I use a mixture of clogging, rain dancing, and Bill Cosby-esque “Dance on yer face moves”. The only one that has a good flow of rhythm is my Choctaw Tomahawk – chop pogo style bop.
One of my favorite performers over the years has been James Brown – the Godfather of Soul and funk pioneer extraordinaire!! R.I.P. Not only did I enjoy his music – that dude could dance! They called him the hardest working man in showbusiness, and by watching the guy move around the stage – I believe it.
I recently discovered part of the Funkmaster’s secret…… Corns!! That’s right, James Brown had corns on his feet!!! Actually only on one of them, hence the song, “On the Good Foot”. Poor guy, he had more kernals than Sander’s has restaurants.
Looking back, you can see the drastic change in style from the crooning and light rock ballads of the late 50’s and early 60’s such as “Try Me”, “Please, Please, Please”, and “It’s a Man’s World” to “Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag” and “I feel Good”. – Funk jive hits of the late sixties and early seventy’s. The guy couldn’t stand still singing on those corns, he had to keep moving. With all the grunts, moans, and screams – you can tell, this guy was in some real pain. JB was a dynamic performer and a genius – he built a musical platform that allowed him to incorporate those exclamations of agony into groovy musical nuances. His pain, our gain!!
Not just “On the Good Foot”; many of Brown’s hits were inspired by the problems he had with his corns: “Super Bad”, “Get Up Offa that Thing”, “Mother Popcorn” (originally “Mother *****! I Popped a Corn!”), “I Got the Feelin'” (this is gonna hurt), and of course the one that gave the music genre its name – “Make it Funky” originally:
A few years before he died, JB started having some of those corns removed – even though he was still the hardest working man in showbiz, he wasn’t touring as much as he used to. Oddly enough, his last wife, Hanni, saved the shavings. So…..Great news!! I know Hannah is too young to grow corns of her own, so I bought her one of James Brown’s!! Given my financial state, I wasn’t able to afford one of the bronzed or gold dipped ones. Sorry 😦
If Hannah is already a great dancer, she can just frame it and display it on the wall. If she is rhythmically challenged like me…..tell her to just drop this puppy in her shoe and feel the funk!! It really works!