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Dear Bro and Co.,

     All this talk of “sexy” vampires and romantic love with the undead got me to thinking, “who could really benefit from the whole Vampire thing?”

     …..speaking of creepy:  🙂

     It finally happened!  I went to put on my shoe the other morning and I felt a lump.  I reached in the shoe to see what it was and, low and behold – there it was.  The nail had been bothering me again lately and sure enough, it happened – my funky toe had fallen off right there in my shoe!!!!  About the only thing weirder looking than a funky toe is a missing toe. 

     Thankfully, this was a false alarm.  😉  The only thing KeiLynn likes better than eating her food is slinging it all over the place.  I was the unfortunate benefactor of one of the bites of hot dog that she had decided to launch the night before.  At 0400 in the morning, the mind can play terrible tricks on you….I’ve got to stop leaving my work shoes under the high chair!!! 

     …..speaking of me feets; the other day, I was relaxing on the bed while Amanda was busy at the computer.  Kiara came in and got to dinking around and the next thing I know, she’s pulling my shoes and socks off.  Then she gives my feet a hard look, snarls up, and says, “I’ve got to clean your feet, Daddy!”  Sure.  No problem.  “Go right ahead, sweetie.”

     I figure she’s gonna “clean” them with a wipe or wash rag. Cool, it will just add to my relaxation after a long day.  I closed my eyes and settled in for what I thought would be a nice session of pampering, but then……

     Once again, the Might-E Pack-E-Derms known as the El-E-fonts assert their authority over the alphabet jungle.

     Wucky – the Wampire Wat finds himself in a precarious situation after getting overly anxious and aiming too high for his next meal.

                                        El Chupa Cabra Revealed!!!!

     El Chupa Cabra (the Goat Sucker), the legendary creature thought to be a myth by most, has recently come forward to the press and public for the first time.  Speculation has abounded as to what he is, exactly.  Predominant theories suggested that he was merely a hairless or mangy coyote.  According to “Chupa” whose real name is Steve, he is a dwarf vampire who is extremely shy due to “being buck-fanged and all”.  He has signed up with the Gothic dating service – Equally Cloaked – and is looking for “a hottie” with lots of livestock.  He said he was emboldened by the success of the “Twilight” series books and even more so the movies stating that, “people are more accepting of vampires now” and “If that doofy British dude, Edward, could land Bella, I know I can surely hook up with someone.”  Good luck ladies!!!!!

     …..speaking of El Chupa Cabra, we mustn’t forget to mention the news of a new challenger to the fanged menace.  Who is this daring defender?  The Hoofed Hero?  This Champion of Can Chompers?

   

 

  Known to most as the meek and mild-mannered Billy; with the devouring of roughly a dozen half-empty beer cans – a mere goat is transformed into: 

    

 

 

He claims to have a sidekick that he refers to as the Great White Buffalo; but of course, as of yet, no one has seen it.  🙂

 

     The other day Kiara brought in a book about space and asked me to read it with her.  We started with Earth, then the Sun, and then the moon.  Kiara quickly pointed out the craters to me and began to explain about how SPACE GOPHERS lived in there.    I’m sure my drawing isn’t an accurate re-creation – as I can’t remember all the details of this infinitely fascinating creature.  Oddly enough, I do recall that she said that they eat SPACE ELEPHANTS.

   

 

 

 …..speaking of unexpected attacks – it’s happened!!  The cereal killer has struck once again!!!

    Seriously, who hasn’t, at one time or another, thought of knocking off Sonny the CoCo Puffs bird?  He is seriously annoying.

     …..Speaking of errant thoughts, there I was, about to partake of the Holy Sacrament and in the midst of thanking Jesus for His sacrifice on the cross and praying that my heart would be ready for Communion, a strange notion popped into my head:  To a carnal mind of someone with no real knowledge of Christ and spiritual principles; the Eucharist could seem like a radically cryptic ceremony – all these people sitting around with crackers and juice talking about eating some dude’s flesh and drinking his blood.  All of which got me to thinking – maybe being a Christian in addition to being infinitely better, is even more radical than being a vampire.  This, of course, inspired a story…..

     Our story begins one sultry night in the year of 1580 deep within the mountainous country side and blackened forests of Eastern Europe.  By now, tales of vampire’s ruthless acts and supernatural powers have spread and grown into legend.  It had become so easy preying upon the weak held captive by fear and superstition. 

     He had studied her for some time now, watching from the shadows.  She was different from the others – special; she had a glow, a spirit within.  He had decided; she was no victim – she was to be his bride:  the crown jewel of his harem.  He emerged from the darkness stirring just enough to rouse her from her slumber.  She quickly sat up alarmed and ready to resist her attacker; but there was no panic – he couldn’t  smell the fear as he had in the others. 

     He spoke softly, “Do not be afraid.  I am Lord Griegory, Count of Tangosylvania, Nosforatu of these lands.   Grace, I have come to give you an offer.  I offer you immortality.  :{

     She replied with a steady whisper, “I already have the promise of eternal life.”

     Thinking that she must belong to another Nosforatu, his eyes narrowed and he trembled with fury.  “By whose blood?!?!” he demanded.

     “Jesus, by Jesus Christ’s blood.”  She replied.

     How dare this Jesus to trespass on to his territory!  He would quickly dispense of the intruder and return for his prize.  Without a word he turned and disappeared into the shadows.  Invoking his supernatural abilities, he transported himself through time and space in order to confront this Jesus face to face.

     The man known as Nicodemus had just exited the house; and there inside, Jesus remained sitting alone.  All at once, the Nosforatu emerged ready to confront and battle his new nemesis. 

     Immediately, upon entering Christ’s presence, Lord Griegory knew – this was no Nosforatu.  He felt things he had never felt before:  he felt fear.  He felt he must know who he was dealing with before he could attack.  Perhaps stating who and what he was and verbal threats would intimidate Jesus into vacating his territory and denouncing any claims to Grace.

     “I am Lord Griegory; Nosforatu!  I have been here for over six centuries.”

     Jesus answered, “I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the ending; which is and which was, and which is to come, the Almighty.”  Revelation 1:18

     Griegory, “I am a King of the living dead!”

     Jesus answered, “I am King of Kings (1 Timothy 6:15); I am the Living Bread. (John 6:51)”

     Frustrated now, the vampire demanded, “You must release the girl to me!”

     Jesus answered, My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me:  And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.”  John 10:27-28

     Griegory stormed, “Perhaps you do not realize the scope of my powers:  I can transcend the boundaries of space and time; I can transform into other forms; I can possess the soul and control the will of mortals.  Grace will be mine!”

     Jesus answered, “Neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature shall be able to separate My children from Me.”  Romans 8:38-39

     At this, the vampire raged.  He raised up and growled, “I am the night!!”

     And, Jesus said, “I am the Light.” John 9:5

     Suddenly, Griegory recoiled back, vexed and confused; he gasped, “Who are you???”

     Jesus answered, “I am the Son.”

     Griegory’s eyes widened in terror and recognition and then – he was no more. 

     The next morning, Peter shows off the pile of smouldering ash he had found earlier……

     Interestingly enough, Griegory’s brother, Edvard, suffered a decidedly less resplendent, yet a highly publicized demise in a bizarre turn of events in, of all places, Des Moines, Iowa on January 20, 1982……

     Wherefore God also hath highly exalted Him, and given Him a name which is above every name:  That at the name of JESUS every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth; and things under the earth.  And that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.  Philippians 2:9-11

Love and God bless, Uncle Buck “Wango” Lamb and the Tango Tribe