Dear Bro. and Co.,

     One of the first things that Amanda and I did when we found out we were going to have KeiLynn was to pick out some stuffed animals.  Among these was a little purple tiger that hasn’t left her since day one.  She likes to roll its tail between her fingers while she goes to sleep.  Being the wise parents that we are, or try to be, we thought we might ought to buy a back-up.  We actually found one, brought it home, and tried the ol’ switcheroo….. Rejection!!!  She immediately knew it was an imposter.  Now-a-days, Tiger’s tail is worn pretty thin and the purple markings that adorn his tail are soiled a dingy blackish-brown.  Funny and interesting – the things that we choose to hold on to, the things that give us comfort.

     …..Speaking of holding on to things, Amanda was trying to do a school project with the kids a couple of weeks ago and she found that the biggest challenge was getting Mathias to hold on to the object.  What was the object, you might ask?  You would sooner guess Rumpelstiltskin’s name I dare say.  It is a ……….. MUMMY CHICKEN! 

Apparently mummifying a chicken is a six-week process.  So far, there is good progress; through four treatments the chicken is less slimy and gross and Mathias is less squeamish.  Hopefully the trauma of day one won’t scar him too badly.

     …..Speaking of traumatic experiences, that would pretty well summarize most trips into stores (of any kind) these days.  Mathias threw one temper tantrum – ever.  Super easy kid.  Kiara tried it two or three times; she was a fast learner.  KeiLynn is, in P.C. terms a challenge, in honest real terms,  a freakin’ nightmare.  Most trips end like this:

 …..Speaking of public humiliations…. We were at Academy Sports in the checkout line and Kiara came over and gave me a big hug and said, “I love you, Daddy.”  It was a special Daddy-Daughter moment.  As I was basking in the glow of knowing my little girl adores me, and feeling that at least I’m doing something right, this happens:

…..So, a couple of weeks ago, Mathias accidentally dropped our iron and broke it.  Any time I think of irons and ironing, I can’t help but think of “Papa Troy”.  Amanda and I have been married almost 13 years; it didn’t take long for me to notice that whenever something angers or upsets Dad, that he retreats to the back of the house and starts ironing.  I suppose it is natural for everyone to have an outlet or some sort of coping mechanism to help them deal with or escape their problems.  Knowing Troy, he is probably talking it out with God while taking it out on the laundry, which is infinitely better than turning to drugs or getting violent. 

That said, he has the smoothest and the stiffest shirts of anyone that I’ve ever met.  That said, we here at Tango have decided to dub him with the title and powers of a superhero:

     Now that our hero has recognized his powers, he is confronted by Tony Stark, who it turns out is petty and jealous.

     Without a word or warning, he launches missiles at the newly anointed IRONMAN.  The missiles can not penetrate through the layers of starch on Pierce’s cape.

    

 

 

 

 It didn’t take long for Mr. Pierce to dispose of his enemy, proving once and for all that he alone is worthy of the name – IRONMAN!

 

 

 Next, our hero was off to fight against his dreaded nemesis, the giant wrinkle monster:  SHAR PEI.

     IRONMAN immobilizes the  beast with a shot of super starch!

     With just a few good steam presses, the wrinkly wrecking machine was smoothed and reduced to a tame little wiener dog.  The city was saved!

                                                                      …..except for one building.

     All that, and he helped me install a new faucet on my kitchen sink all in the same day!  What a super guy I have for a father-in-law!!!  We sure do love and appreciate our Papa Troy and we hope to have him with us for many years to come.

     That said, looking ahead to “the great by and by”, we would like to assume that there will be no agitations there.  But , assuming that G.G., Troy’s mother-in-law, will be there; I have to imagine that the Good Lord will have something ready for him.

     I don’t suppose it would be right to talk about Papa Troy without mentioning Granny Janie.  Let’s face it, she is a little bit country.  Nothing wrong with that; but she does have her own lingo.  she still puts groceries and luggage in a “Turtle Hull” instead of a car trunk; she “runs acrost” items instead of finding them; and everyone’s favorite: …..she “worshes” the clothes and dishes instead of washing them.  Everyone is forever correcting and teasing her about worshing stuff.

     I couldn’t freaking believe it!  I had to rub my eyes and blink twice.  There it was, right there in the newspaper, sure and true enough it was a picture of an honest-to-goodness Worshing Machine!!!  WOW!!!

     I know what you’re thinking – it’s a strange vision of Heaven where St. Peter is getting the worshing machine ready for Janie. 

     Actually, it is a man named John Wells, a retired fashion photographer standing next to one of his many enviro-friendly contraptions that he uses in his new life roughing it down by the Mexican border.  My guess is that he is either the drug cartel’s biggest client, or he is the one and only person in the world that they are afraid of and leave alone.  I wonder if the Bike-O-Worsher can be used for money laundering. 

     Long and short of it, I guess we all owe Mom an apology – apparently you really can worsh stuff. 

     We send this letter to you, praying that your tribe is in good health and has many prosperous years ahead of you.  May you have the love and peace of Christ and the true comfort of the Holy Spirit; and may you enjoy the comforts of the small blessings found in this life whether it be squishy tiger tails, groovy tunes, warm knee caps, or having all your linens worshed and ironed.

Love and God Bless, Uncle Buck “Wango” Lamb and the Tango Tribe